Ask These Guys

Or, What seven simple words will make sure my waiter or waitress dotes on my table?

Have you ever taken your spouse, significant other, friends, or entire family for an enjoyable outing at a restaurant, only to end up with a waiter or waitress that seems completely uninterested in providing you with good service?

It’s happened to us more than once. The hostess takes us to our table, and eventually our waitperson—”Pat,” we’ll say—wanders over to our table and monotones, “hi’folks, m’pat’n’ill’b’your’waits’r’nite.”

OK, Pat is probably a high school or college student, and maybe it’s been a long week at school…but you’ve had a long week as well and want to put a little spark into Pat.

What seven words would you say?

Before I tell you my seven word starter, here’s how I happened upon this winning formula.

My wife and I enjoy eating out, and even though we don’t always go to the fanciest restaurant in town, we still like to save money on our restaurant expenses. To help cut costs, last year she signed up to be a “mystery shopper.” This means we often get our restaurant bills covered in exchange for submitting reviews of dining establishments and our experiences in them to the “secret shopper” company.

And because we have young children, we often choose to go to those chain restaurants that will appeal to them—you know the ones, with lots of red in their designs and free balloons for the kiddies, maybe staff that will sing “Happy Birthday” to someone at your table.

But it’s at these types of restaurants where we’ve encountered the most problems with distracted young waiters and waitresses in the past.

Anyway, the mystery shopper companies, who have been contracted by the restaurant chains to provide these incognito reviewers, typically provide a list of questions to ask as part of the restaurant review requirements. Some are completely innocuous, such as “What’s the special tonight?” or”What would you recommend for someone who doesn’t like spicy food?”

But I started to notice after a few restaurant visits that one of these stock questions in particular has brought all but the most bleary-eyed young waitperson to attention—and the reason is not because they suddenly care about our experience at the restaurant…but because they care about theirs.

And that seven-word question, right after “Hi, Pat,” is, “Who is the manager on duty tonight?”

I’m not sure what the company’s purpose is in having this question asked—maybe to see if the waiter or waitress even knows—but the effect for us has often been dramatic, and you can see the wheels turning in the young person’s head: Did I do something wrong? Are these people the owner’s friends? Are these people the owners?

I can’t guarantee this will work every time you visit a restaurant, but more often than not, it will.

Perked-up waitstaff have replied something to the effect of, “It’s Dave—uh, did you need to talk to him?”, or “Barbara. Barbara Smith. Should I tell her you’re here?”

I typically reply, as if I recognize the name, something like, “Dave!—that’s great. No, I don’t need to bother him right now, thanks—but could you bring us a few glasses of water?”

And my, but doesn’t the water—along with our order later—ever arrive fast!

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Mark Baker lives near Seattle and is the author of one of the Web’s first Beginner’s Tutorials for Learning Chinese. He also blogs at Postcards from China.